If you ask me, there's something a little North Korean about a day of required love!
Plus, I just don't feel enough time has elapsed since the consumerist assault of Christmas to deal with yet another compulsory holiday. But Gawd...Valentines is here again! For real. The touching. The hugging. The sonnets. The What-Have-You-Done-For-Me nonsense.
Valentine's — WRONG!
So, no, not this year. I got in front of it early.
First, I grew a substantial socialist beard — it’s the kind of beard that says, I’m not open for business. I know this because I cloned it off Alberta's Minister of Municipal Affairs. You hug me and you'll look like a dog groomer at the end of the day. Second, I printed these cards that I plan on handing out, liberally, in case someone breaches my primary defense.
So you have a choice: You can dole out the tinfoil kisses, or you can see the illness of Valentine's Day for what it really is: VD.
Good Day, Sir.
I said Good Day!